I Would Rather Feel Worthwhile.

I mess up. All the time. I generally just pick myself up, laugh a bit, make the best of it, and move on. I'm not used to having to be responsible to someone else's ideals when I create small disasters. I'm not used to feeling less than fabulous because of someone's opinions on what I should've done.
I know we all make judgements all the time. It is our nature. We choose our friends and loved ones based on judgements of their actions towards us and others. I have stopped dating men before not because they were horrible to me (no, for some reason I kept those men around), but because of how they treated people in the service industry. These judgements are the way that we surround ourselves with people with the same values, and people we feel we can learn from. I recognize that, and believe that process is important to our well being.
When those judgements become a daily feeling of failure rather than a way of seeing if you're the right piece for that jigsaw puzzle, it takes on a whole new meaning. Lately I've been feeling as though I can do nothing right. It has been brought to my attention that I have a temper, so I have been trying to work on that. When in the midst of a text conversation that was extremely upsetting, I decided to stop responding, sleep on it, and then write back, lest my temper flare and I hear, once again, how I am more like a petulant child than a grown woman. I was then told that by not responding until the next day, that I was rubbing salt in the wounds. I really messed up with my new cats. I mistakenly thought that I had a few months to get them fixed before anything would happen. My female cat is now pregnant with inbred kittens. I am literally living with an abomination. But what can I do? My cats, while disturbing, are adorable. The kittens will be, too. They may end up being deaf, or have horrible depth perception and walk into walls and stuff, but they'll be super cute and lovable. Her pregnancy belly is beautiful. The harm has been done. I am making the best of the situation. I have been doing okay with the situation and consequences until I had to tell my fighter. His reactions have not been as kind, forgiving, or supportive as mine are to him when he loses yet another fight, or deals with his heatlh conditions. I know he believes he is helping me to learn to not make these mistakes again, but it makes me feel so worthless at times. I still feel like I am growing by learning from him, but when will he learn from me?
I have always wanted a man strong enough to deal with me, but that doesn't mean I want a man that makes me feel weak. Well, maybe in the knees, but that's a different story.
Until I figure this out, I've decided that I may still need to see what my other options are. Or at least have some fun.