Thursday, February 14, 2013

A Female Turning Into A Woman

This is the first Valentine's Day I have had off from work in, well, ever. It's so odd to not be spiteful or ambivalent today. Not saying I've converted to the other side, far from it, but I am in an unusually good mood today.
My fighter and I have been doing well, which, of course, has me weary. With Greeks, when things go too well, we start to worry, because we're not lucky, we're cynics. The conversations with my fighter and I have become intensive, while remaining humorous. Things have been just good enough. Not suffocating, very sweet, and not scary. And that's when I got into my car the other night, smiling, that the thoughts came in.
Think about what you hear about the domestic relationships of fighters. At least the situations that make the news. Go ahead. Think about it. Do you hear stories like Rocky and Adrian, or do you hear stories like Mike Tyson and Robin Givens? Obviously, this isn't the first time that I have taken these thoughts into consideration, I just never did it seriously before. In all the relationships that I have had with cops, bouncers, security guards, and fighters, it's always been a thought at the edge of my mind, but never really needed centerstage. So I keep these thoughts quiet, to myself.
Then in the midst of a conversation yesterday, my fighter brought up the elephant in the room. How would I react if he ever hit me. I sat there, stunned. Here he was putting my biggest fear of our relationship on the table. He made it real.
This is a topic I don't even want to acknowledge, let alone talk about, but then what am I learning? He brought up this horrible possibility while we were talking about what happens if we take this to another level. (He wasn't bringing it up as foreplay or anything. Stop that!) What he was trying to show me is that it is difficult to be in a longterm relationship. That it takes work. He was using the worst possible scenario in order to make me understand that when you are dealing with someone else on a permanent basis, that excuses like tempers and irreverance don't help anything. They make things worse. I know he has no intention of ever hitting me. He clarified that extremely well. It was just strange timing, to be doing my errands at the mall, surrounded by pink and red hearts, while I had just spent hours talking with my kinda sorta boyfriend about what happens if he were to ever hypothetically hit me.
So why am I in a good mood today? Because, this conversation doesn't bode an unhealthy hidden relationship. This was a healthy conversation on a taboo topic between adults. I can't overcome fears if I don't acknowledge and face them head on, and it's nice to not have to do that alone. So here, on this Valentine's Day, at home by myself, I am not lonely. I am receiving love from all directions, including from across the planet, a voice message that makes me feel more feminine and beautiful just by the sound of his voice.
It's Valentine's Day. If a little mushiness isn't okay today, when will it be?

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