What you will never find a card for at Hallmark.

My fighter and I have been going round and round, but it's not the type of arguments that you would think. He just found out his surgery was unsuccessful. He's still terminal, with an expiration date of anywhere from 6 to 18 months.
He told me last night, and started doing the same thing again. He's trying to push me away, but at the same time, he's so hurt and scared. He's so alone, and it breaks my heart. He is so much of what I have wanted in a man, and I'm most likely going to lose him. Not because he's dying. We're all dying. I'm going to lose him because he's scared of leaving me. He has stopped making connections with people because he doesn't want to abandon them when the time comes. He and I have been dealing with this from the beginning. He goes from talking about us traveling and how I would have to deal with his menagerie if we lived together, to pushing me away whenever he gets news about his health. This fight is heartbreaking because I am not fighting with him, I'm literally fighting with his heart.
I had a best friend that was terminal. (He's still alive, we're just no longer friends - a long story I may never end up sharing with you because in the end it's just not worth it.) He told me a few weeks after he found out he was terminal. I was the only one that knew, and that was there to help him. I was sworn to secrecy, and so I dealt with it by myself. He did the same thing, and started pushing me away. I was a wreck. The realization that if we had a kid 9 months from now, that he wouldn't be around to see that child take their first steps, let alone go to school, graduate, and get married is overwhelming. They will never see their grandchildren, never bounce them on their knee. They won't be able to hold your hand when you are in the hospital in your old age. I have dealt with these realizations before, and they still kill me, eventhough I can't even be in the same room with that friend anymore.
So now, with my heart tied up to a man that is pushing me away because he cares about me too much, I sit here again, in silence. Not sharing this pain with anyone for fear of dampening their day. Crying in the bathroom, alone, because the man I want says that he can see a future with me, except that there is no future for him to be had. And yet I fight. I fight with him to stop pushing me away. As long as he is breathing, he still deserves love. What does he have to do that is better than love someone for the rest of his life, and allow them to love him for the rest of theirs?