Monday, January 28, 2013

A Bridget Jones Moment

I just got back from Austin, Texas, which is why this week's blog is a little late. It was a weekend where the days were filled with keynote speakers and meetings, and the nights were filled with flirty cops, fun bargoers, and the most amazing best friend a girl can have. It was exactly what the doctor ordered. While intoxicated, after the adrenaline high of riding a mechanical bull for the first time, I got a hold of my phone, which sadly does not have a breathalyzer. Drunken texting really can be perilous for my health, or at least my sanity. I ended up texting a few good men. The one I really wanted to hear from, my fighter, was the first to respond, but he was busy, of course. The person I heard the most from was my ex boyfriend. What can I say? I was drunk. I rode a bull. Exhilaration is a heady drug.
My ex, the one that sprained my hip, has been having a tough go of it lately. We've recently been back in touch, which started when he was one of the first security guards on the scene of a shooting at our mall. I was worried about him. No matter what has happened since we broke up, even including the birth of a child with someone else that he got together with soon after me, I will always care about him, even if I don't want to. His father has recently fallen unexpectedly ill, and is on his death bed. He is out of state now in order to see him one last time. Our flights actually left near the same time, so we were able to talk a bit at the airport, and I was able to see him off like you used to be able to see people off in the '80s prior to the TSA. Although we both remained dry eyed, it was definitely an emotional experience that was led up to by some intense events prior with the shooting and his father's illness. It's not surprising that he is the main person I was texting with when I was drunk.
Though it sounds cliche', I wasn't texting with him in order to get him back. After the baby thing, getting back together with him is not something I would ever consider. It didn't break my heart, it shattered it. You don't come back from that. There's an obvious attraction between the two of us, though, and that gets confusing, and sometimes even hurtful. An offer was put out the other night, and I don't even quite know which one of us put it out there, all I know is that we both accepted. I know the reason I accepted, outside of stupidity and hormones, is because deep down I am a horrible person, and it was gratifying to know that he, a man who never cheats, would cheat on his 20 something year old fiance (who chased him down right after we broke up and tricked him into knocking her up) with me because he wants and misses me. I felt vindicated, and that made so much doubt that I had disappear, and yet it is so forbidden at the same time. Even the thought of it was delicious, and almost scary.
A huge part of my heart is really itching for a tryst with him, and to be able to cuddle up to him again. I used to fit into him, physically. He's almost a foot taller than me. When we spooned, his feet would be under mine, my back fit perfectly against his stomach, my head snugly under his chin. I never felt so safe in my life. I miss it more than anything. The thing is that with my state of mind and heart with the situation, I am just as likely to beat the crap out of him as I am to snuggle into him.
I am looking for something real and long term, and though I don't know if that is what will happen with my fighter, I absolutely know that it is never going to be with my ex. I just wish my lady parts would listen to common sense.

No comments:

Post a Comment