Ohmygawd I can be stupid. So stupid. How am I supposed to react to something when the full story is being withheld? I feel like I keep screwing up, and somehow this huge "maniacal" fighter keeps his head when I go overboard.
Over the last year of dealing with him, I've had to learn some fighting tactics of my own. He has built a fortress around him, emotionally. I've had to fight him tooth and nail in order to get in, and slowly, this second time around, he's actually been letting me. And then when his surgery was approaching, the walls went right back up. He wouldn't tell me what his surgery was on, only that it was life threatening. He kept telling me I couldn't handle it, until I realized that he couldn't handle talking about it, and his fears with it. He was protecting himself from me, and in his own strange way, he was protecting me, too. Though I understand it, it is what also makes me give up, time and time again. It's what breaks me into pieces.
When I told him goodbye the other day, it was via text, as he physically couldn't speak after his surgery. I had forgotten that I had an email left floating out there before I had heard from him, asking if he was okay. He responded to it the next day. This is what I hate about modern technology: if you are going to end things with someone, you have to make sure you do it via text, skpe, chat, email, smoke signal, whatever. It's too much. I hadn't blocked him on facebook, so he responded, and I let loose a barrage of anger due to feeling rebuffed at not being able to see him. The torrent of anger lasted a couple of days. Sadly, I'm not exaggerating. He finally had to tell me that there were complications with his surgery - they ruptured an organ, and that is why he couldn't see me. I know it sounds like a chicken shit excuse, but this man is more self conscious than any person I have ever met. So here I had been a horrible selfish child acting out, when he was laying in the hospital, unable to speak, now dealing with a new ailment to heal from. I have no idea why he is still dealing with me. I've apologized, but the child (adult?) in me still wants him to understand that he can't blame me for being upset when he has purposely left me in the dark because he has his heart locked up like a little princess in a tower with a moat and high walls. Though I feel like I haven't been the prince running in with sword drawn to rescue it, I've been the mother fucking dragon, breathing fire, trying to burn that sucker down in order to free it. We'll see how well that works.
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