As an artist, I have had a few muses in my life that have stuck out more than others. I have also held a few artists in high esteem as inspirational influences. One of the most influential artists for me has always been Frida Kahlo. Her work has always spoken to me, as has her story. The lifelong love affair with her and Diego Rivera, though it may seem insane to some, is completely understandable to me. Yes, Diego was an insatiable womanizer, much older than she, that, though he loved her completely, never stopped his promiscuous lifestyle. He was also an influential artist, political activist, and a charismatic friend and lover. When you come across such a person, it's difficult not being intoxicated with their charisma, and consumed by their art and politics, especially when they give voice to your own.
About a year and a half ago, I started a random conversation with such a person on Facebook (what can I say? Facebook has been good to me). He is an older celebrated actor that I had studied in college and had always found to be talented and well spoken, not to mention gorgeous. This actor has always selected movies and works that had something to say and that would educate the audience rather than just mainstream star making vehicles. He has spent his career as an activist in the arts, bringing attention to the struggles of his culture, as well as being a positive and loving force of nature in his own accord. Anyway, awhile ago a major event had happened for him, and I decided to throw in a congratulations amongst all the other fans on his page. Because of this single act of kindness, recognizing a stranger, an unlikely friendship began. He responded to my comment in kind and a conversation started, where he kindly informed me that I looked like a girl he had dated years before. I didn't think much of it, but I copied and pasted the conversation into an email to myself, just to have a reminder that at one point in my life a man that I have always looked up to had told me that I was pretty.
Months later I saw a post of his about a young child he knew that passed away from a major illness. I wrote him a private email offering condolences, and another conversation began, and has continued to this day. He has become a close friend of mine, with our friendship having progressed to phone calls and Skype.
That being said, I can easily understand what Frida and Diego had. My friend is someone that cannot be tied down, even when committed to someone, he makes no bones about it and I respect him for that. His life is a rollercoaster ride, and being a part of it is amazing and devastating all at the same time. Dealing with someone that understands my politics, my artistic side, and who gets my humor and then some, is more than I have had with anyone, even my fighter. He is a muse, a mentor, and an ally all at the same time. It's intoxicating. He is also practically married, has an unforgiving lifestyle, and can become alienated easily. As friends, we work very well, especially as flirting friends. I have a complete respect for his home life, his career, and his politics. As I said, in dealing with a man like him, you either accept his lifestyle, or you don't.
Though I admire, adore, and am amazed by him, I have to acknowledge that at this point, my feelings for him are not completely real. Oftentimes, they are similar to the feelings someone has for a really good set of books. They can consume you, make you think, and change your world, but in the end, at some point you have to put the book down and live your actual life. These feelings, though encompassing, are not what my future will be built off of. My fighter, though we argue at times, and he doesn't understand my vegetarianism or my political mindset, and he's far from perfect, he has a smile that melts my heart and knows my moods and when I'm trying to work him over like a petulant child. He calls me on it, and yet still makes time to talk to me about whatever small problems I have.
I guess my point is, though I am blessed enough to have good friends that inspire and intoxicate me, sometimes what is real is more important. Don't get me wrong, ten years from now, I will still be good friends with my activist actor, and who knows where my fighter and I will be, but I don't feel that I will be missing the love of my life for not pursuing my Diego single-mindedly. I love the artist, the man, and the activist, but it's not the same as loving someone because they are a part of you. Sometimes there's just not enough room for everything.
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