Single And Pregnant

Though I am going through a major life change, from independent woman to pregnant mommy, I do want to make something clear: this is still the blog of a single woman. I may not be doing much dating lately, or for the next while, as there is a lot of healing that must happen from the ordeal I have been through, it doesn't make me less feminine or any less single.
There are a few opinions, ill conceived helpful hands, and completely thoughtless questions that I have come across during this pregnancy that have really bothered me. I do want to make mention of these, on the off chance somebody comes across this, and it prevents them from hurting or offending someone that is already dealing with their own demons during what is supposed to be the most hopeful point of her life.
Don't get me wrong in the least bit. This pregnancy and this wonderful baby is the biggest blessing that has ever been bestowed on me, but big blessings come with a lot of responsibilities and fear, especially as a single mom. I am so scared that I won't be doing my baby's needs justice on my own. That being so independent is fine when I was only responsible for myself, but that this baby deserves two selfless, loving parents. Here's the thing, though, the other "parent" isn't loving, nor is he selfless. He has become the definition of the most selfish man I have ever met. It's a lot to digest, that this is the lot I have chosen for me and my son. That this horrible excuse for a man that I chose to date on a whim has now become the biggest detriment to the life of my child. I look at prenatal websites, about what to expect, what to pack for the hospital, what my body will be going through, etc., and all of them make mention of what your mate should do. Every single one. I have no one to drive me to the hospital. No father will anxiously be there, camera in hand, to take pictures or cut the cord. I have no one that will automatically be staying in the hospital with me after I deliver. Who will take home my flowers and cards. Even with the support of my massive family, in all the intimate ways that parents should be at the birth of their child, I am so alone.
If you have a single friend that is also pregnant, please never tell her while she is having a hard time dealing with the realities of her situation that this "is what she wanted." It's horrible and condescending. It throws blame at someone that is having a difficult time as it is. Not saying that every pregnant single mom is an image of one of Picasso's Weeping Woman paintings. Some of us are more than okay about going it alone. But some of us were in love, and were made promises, and were left behind, humiliated for believing that someone loved them. Some of us have huge gaping holes in our hearts, while we try to soldier on for these children we are carrying. Reminding your friend about something stupid she said over a decade ago, about the likelihood that she would be a single mom rather than married, while she is in agony, realizing the full extent of what going through it all on her own actually means, let alone that she has a tortured heart, is not helpful. It's hurtful. So hurtful.
Don't blame your midlife crisis on your friend's pregnancy. Especially your single friend's pregnancy. She is going through enough as it is. She doesn't need to be blamed for the fact that your career isn't where you thought it would be at this point in your life, or that you don't have a girlfriend/boyfriend in your life that you see as long term potential, or that now the logistics of your friendship will change, or that you think she is making a mistake with her goals because she has chosen to keep her baby instead. These are your problems, not hers. I had several of my utmost closest friends get upset or irritated with me for various reasons because of my pregnancy. None of them could sincerely just be happy and supportive of me. I found myself having to call each of my closest friends, and specifically listen to their issues about my pregnancy so that I could bridge the strange gap that all of a sudden happened with my announcement. All this while I was crying myself to sleep every night because of the arguments I was having with the father, having to change my job, and the prospect of having to move out of my home for the last 15 years, solely to save money. It got to such a horrible point that some of them started blaming their major problems on my pregnancy. That's not something easily forgotten - someone that is supposed to love you blaming their issues on your unborn child. It's ridiculous.
Don't offer to help your single pregnant friend, and then make everything worse. This goes hand in hand with the last one. If you have issues with your friend's pregnancy and your position in life, don't offer to help unless you can distance your own issues from the task at hand. There are a lot of ways to help a pregnant friend, generally by helping with a bit of housework that they feel the urge to do, but really should get some sleep, or by rubbing their back or feet when swollen, or by helping to cook some meals for the week. What you should not do is go to their house, get wasted, and spend the whole of a night in a drunken haze, screaming in their living room about how no one cares about you. Especially when that friend hasn't been able to have their much needed sleep in weeks because their sleep cycle is whacked out from hormones. You shouldn't try and help them get up from a seated position, while you are wasted, by wrapping your arms under their armpits and trying to carry them out of the seat, especially if you weigh a buck ten and your friend has put on 40 pounds during her pregnancy. Chances are she is more than capable of getting up by herself, especially if she tells you she is able to stand on her own. All that you are doing is making her have to carry your ass, too, when she has to struggle a little in the first place. Don't decide to paint out your anguish while wasted in her place, and then get paint and dirty paintbrush water all over everything except the canvas. Remember, if you are going somewhere to help, make sure you are the one helping, not the one that needs to be helped.
Don't feed single pregnant women fairytales. We're pregnant and alone. The fairytales are over. Don't tell us that our babies will have good fathers, and that one will just miraculously show up that will not only love her, but will unconditionally love her child, too. We've been to the circus already. We've seen the men behind the curtain in Oz. We don't believe in magic or wizards anymore. Telling a woman that has been seeking a good man her entire life that now she will find one that will be perfect isn't helpful. It makes me want to hit you. I'm not saying the situation is hopeless. It's just hearing that is as helpful as having married folk tell singletons that when they stop looking for a relationship Mr. Right will just suddenly appear. He doesn't. Stop with the fairy tales, and just acknowledge that you can never predict what will happen for someone, and that maybe, just maybe, it might be the biggest blessing in the life of my child, as well as myself, that we are doing this together, without the burden of a man arguing with every choice I make. This child will have a kick ass mom that loves him more than anything in the world. There are a lot of kids with two parents that don't have that assurance. We don't need a man to complete our little family. If one comes along, great, but if it doesn't happen, it doesn't make our family any less than anyone else's.
Do not EVER ask someone that is pregnant what race her child will be. It is completely inappropriate, and extremely racist in actuality. It is none of your business. It should not matter if a child is of a "pure" background or a "mixed" one. A girl I went to high school with, a minor acquaintance, recently asked me over facebook about the father. Obviously I am not discussing the father publically. My situation, outside of being pregnant and a single parent, is really no one's concern. I simply told her he was out of the picture. She then asked me if he was white. Why?!? Why the fuck does it matter? It doesn't. The child will be a lovebug no matter what. She was asking me solely for her own indulgence into my life. She was just being nosy. I answered curtly that the father is black, and stopped responding any futher, even when she then told me that he would be beautiful. Would he be any less beautiful if the father was Asian or German or Italian? No. It doesn't matter. Children and people are not colors. Stop being concerned with it. It has nothing to do with anything important, like the child's health. I would have been more open if she asked me if the father had any health issues that may have to do with the child. I would have told her yes, major egotism and extreme stupidity.
And lastly, NEVER tell a woman that you know is pregnant that she doesn't look pregnant, just fat (big, swollen, chunky, etc.). It is NOT a kindness. It is deprecating and rude. Tell her she glows. Tell her belly is beautiful. Tell her that her acne or dryness or hairiness or big boobs are a gorgeous trial she is undergoing. Tell her she looks like she is carrying the most beautiful thing in the world. Don't tell her she doesn't look pregnant when she is sitting, or that she just looks bloated or heavy. Or just don't comment on her body at all. You don't walk up to larger girls and say, wow, you just look bloated. Why people feel it is okay to tell pregnant women that they don't look pregnant, just fat bewilders me.
Don't be those people.
The best and easiest thing you can do is show love. Care when she is having a hard time. Listen or be a shoulder when she is scared or hurting. Offer to help, and then actually help, even if it is to just come over and watch a movie so that she isn't alone. In Greek there is a word, parea, which is most often translated to mean "company". It goes beyond that. Parea is when you spend time with people that are like family (or often are family), just to be with them, to enjoy them and what they bring to your world. A big thing to remember with a single, pregnant, soon to be mom is that she is still that same friend that you have loved, even though her life is changing. She still needs you to just be there, as a part of her world, and to feel she is an important part of yours. Just be there.