I Carried A Watermelon.

The best way that I can describe what sleeping/bedtime is like for me right now, at 23 weeks pregnant:
Go to the store and buy a 30 pound watermelon. Take that 30 pound watermelon and put it right over your lower abs and hips, right on top of your bladder. Tape that sucker down with duct tape.
Find two one-pound oranges. Stick them in your bra. Without padding. Do EVERYTHING you normally do with that watermelon and those oranges on you. Make sure your breasts end up really sore by the end of the day.
Go to sleep. On your side, because if you lay on your back, the watermelon will cut off your circulation. Try and sleep - uncomfortably.
Put a pillow between your legs, because that watermelon over your hips is wider than how your legs comfortably fall. Put a second pillow between your legs, because it wasn't quite helping. Now it's too high.
Try and flip over, because you've given up on your right side for the time being, and now your hip hurts. Flipping over is a two minute ordeal, as your belly, hips, and back are prone in a laying position and struggle under the weight.
Lay on your left side, and try the pillow again. Say fuck it, and take three fucking pillows, and throw them down in front of your legs, and cross your leg over it. Much better. Finally.
Close your eyes for five minutes, until you realize your entire back is aching from carrying around the watermelon all day. Reach for a fourth pillow, and cram it as tightly behind you as you can, without disturbing your legs. Close your eyes again. For a minute.
Realize that your arms are crushing those oranges against your chest as you try to find a comfortable way to let your arms fall. Reach for a fifth pillow, and hug it to your chest to comfortably separate your arms and keep your shoulders level. Close your eyes.
Oh my God. Sleep.
Wake up twenty minutes later because all of a sudden the watermelon is kicking you.
Huh? Wtf? That's not right!?!
Go back to sleep. Wake up 45 minutes later because the watermelon, right over your bladder, is making you have to pee like never before. RIGHT NOW.
Kick away all the pillows! Slide to the side of your bed by some weird ass and hips slithering motion because the watermelon has you pinned down. Sneeze. You're basically peeing now. Throw your legs over the side of the bed, while you use that momentum to help you sit up. Run to the bathroom.
Do your duty.
Change your pajama pants, somehow. Generally by holding on to the corner of the bed while you try and maneuver your legs into them and pull them up without bending over.
Lay back down on your left side. Get the pillows back in place.
Realize you are now wide awake.
Do a crossword puzzle, without moving the bulk of your somewhat comfortable body.
Think about how irritated you are with the dude that sold you the watermelon, that is at home peacefully sleeping right now, with no consideration for what your night has come to.
Concentrate on not moving.
Read an article in a magazine, still without moving.
Close your eyes and will yourself to sleep.
Your hips hurt because now you've been on your left side too long, and the weight of the watermelon has taken it's toll.
FUCK!
Start the two minute process of flipping to your right side. Move all of the pillows into place. Put a sixth pillow somewhat under the watermelon.
Sleep. Yes. Sleep.
The watermelon is kicking you again, but oh well.
Wake up two hours later, when your alarm goes off. Slither off the bed again.
Make cereal. Go to the couch to eat it. Set it on the table.
Pass out on the couch.
Wake up four hours later with the soggy, melted, untouched cereal on the table in front of you, your house a mess, and realize you have 15 minutes to get ready for work, and all that time that you allotted for today to clean and get your life together is gone.

Side note: If you don't have a magazine article nearby, you can always just send your friend some long ass weird email about watermelons and sleep at 4:15 in the morning instead... complete with autocorrect errors and the rantings of a crazy woman getting kicked from the inside.