In the last few months that I've been unemployed, I've had a lot more time to get to know some new men. In doing so, I've met some really good guys, and some not so good guys. As a person that seeks comfort with what I know from experience, I have also had the urge to get in touch with a few old flames, primarily for distraction, but also because it has been an incredibly tough few months. A new acquaintance cannot offer the same intimacy and understanding that a person from my past can offer. But I have fought the urge to contact my old flames, and have generally succeeded in staying away from devices like my phone, computer, and smoke signal that would allow me to do so. The reason for this is my first, and most important, dating rule that I have imposed on myself.
1. I cannot find my future if I keep living in my past.
This rule is important for two reasons:
a.) I need to let them live their lives. One of the men that I keep wanting to run to is my ex with all the kids and baby mommas. Last I heard from him, he definitely wasn't happy with the child, I mean girlfriend, he was with, but they have a baby together, and so he needed to stay with her, healthy or not. He and I spent a bit of time together off and on several months ago, seeking comfort and someone that gets our sense of humor, eventhough he had his girlfriend at home. This made a mockery of both our lives. It was nothing like the love we had, not even a dim reflection of it. That's gone, and frankly, it's never coming back. It was primarily physical, and even that wasn't that good. It was like getting a teeth cleaning. I have a more sensual time at the spa with my massage therapist. Obviously, this was really doing nothing for either of us. And the more I contacted him, the more I was destroying his life and that of his child.
b.) I need to let go. If these distractions were at all good for me, I would still be with them. One of the men I keep wanting to contact is the fighter. The fighter who was always gone, who brought out the worst in me, who condescended to me often, who most likely cheated on me, and who talked about slapping me around like it was nothing. Don't get me wrong, we had fun, and we really cared for each other, but obviously it was not a healthy relationship, and definitely not someone that I should be around. There is a reason he is not in my life. I need to recognize and respect that. Otherwise I'm more of a dumbshit than he ever told me I was.
Which brings me to the second rule:
2. Not every man worth meeting is worth keeping.
This rule sounds like common sense, but most women, at least those that I know, will keep someone around that they're not that into if there isn't someone that they are into. It's nice to have a companion when you would like to get out of the house, I get that. I'm not talking about decent guys that don't have that zing that makes your heart jump up your throat and choke you just because they looked at you. The guys that are smart, fun, reliable dudes who treat you with respect should be kept around. Spend time with them and get to know them. Things may develop with them, and if not, at least you do have someone fun to do things with. That's what dating is. The ones I am talking about are the ones that don't respect you, and are stupid for it.
I went on a date not long ago with a man that has a very reliable, somewhat glamorous and high earning position with a major company in the area. He has a swanky flat downtown, and owns several pieces of property. He is somewhat funny, and not unattractive. The date wasn't horrible, but he made mention a few times that I am a bit bigger than the girls that he usually dates. He also made sure that I knew that he had a "hair" fetish. During the date and over the course of a few phone calls and text conversations, he questioned me on my diet, my workouts, and requested that I lose weight "for him". He also requested that I get none of my body hair waxed or removed. I'm a Greek woman. If I don't take care of my body hair, it will grow out and suffocate me. He had no qualms demanding that I alter myself and my comfort for his desires, and I was barely interested in him in the first place. I eventually told him to shove it. He either needed to get over his issues, or refrain from contacting me. During the course of the last month, I once or twice thought about contacting him to see how he is doing, but I stopped myself. I was done with guys like him ages ago. I'm not looking back. I found out that he tried to contact me a couple of weeks ago, and upon seeing that, I still had the same gut response: he can shove it.
And the last rule for today's lesson:
3. Be completely, absolutely, unforgivingly myself, and love it.
I will never apologize for being me. My weight fluctuates - I have learned to love it. I like the work it takes to lose weight, and the way I can visibly see myself heal from what ever emotional incident caused the weight gain in the first place. I love that I work hard, that I speak my mind, that I fight for equality, and that I can still cuddle with those I care about. I love to cook, even when I mess up. I love to paint, and I love what the fruits of that labor brings, even if they are emotional paintings that aren't always pretty. I love that I am career minded and unwilling to be less so that I can make some man feel like he is more. I love to work with kids and animals, and to care for those that I come in contact with. I'm an amazing, kick ass, righteous babe, and anyone that is intimidated or uninterested in me can blow it out their ass. I'm also cute, too.
Having these three very basic rules in hand hasn't made dating easier, not at all, but they have made me look forward rather than back, and they have also helped me to recognize that when someone points out faults they believe I have, it's usually because they are unwilling to acknowledge and love the ones they see in themselves. If they can't love their own imperfections, they will never love mine, and my imperfections deserve to be loved.
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