Michelangelo once said "A man paints with his brains, not with his hands." I have the privilege and the burden of being a woman who paints with my heart.
The vacation I was so frivolously offered by Mr. X never came to thruition, and I'm probably better for it. Deep down I don't think we were meant to be more than friends, if we're even meant to be that, as circumstances currently are. It's hard to make someone understand why you're upset when their brain does not function with the sensitivity and capacity as your own. I think men are simple in their brain functions. I don't mean that they are simple headed, though some are. I believe that emotionally their skills of reasoning are completely different than that of women. Mr. X is convinced that the reason I am upset is because I was offered time with him, which I was, twice during this fiasco, and I was denied both opportunities. So, in his eyes, I am throwing a bitchfit because I didn't get to see him, although he had pretty valid reasons for not being able to come out. Makes me sound like a total bitch, doesn't it?
But I'm not a bitch. Well, at least not according to me. Some of my ex boyfriends might disagree with me. In this situation I changed my entire schedule, that of all of my employees, and two other salons in order to get that time off at a moment's notice. I had to plead with my director of operations about what a great opportunity the workshop was in order for her to agree to it. It was days of work to be able to get the time, as well as a lot of inconvenience of others for me to go, only for it to fall through. And even that I understood. His father was ill, and family comes first. I of all people understand that.
I was confused. All of a sudden this close friend, part of my heart, someone I talked to for hours every night, who comforted me, and didn't judge me, had put out an offer that confused me. It changed the properties of our friendship, I was in unchartered territory, and it scared me. In my teens and twenties, I would've just covered it up, ignored it, or dreamed about happy endings. I'm not that girl any more. In my thirties, if something scares me, I go to the source. I went to him with my confusion, and was put off. He was too busy talking to a girl that he has no interest in. It stung. When he finally spared a few moments to chat with me, my issues were acknowledged, and then ignored. It was cruel. I may as well have told him that I had gotten a splinter while filing my nails. It seemed like an everyday inconvenience as opposed to an amazing, funny, intelligent and caring friend saying that she was confused with feelings.
So, I got incredibly frustrated, made sure he knew it, and then we didn't talk for days. I ended up contacting him for something that I needed advice with, and we tried to talk about our friendship at that point, at which he finally acknowledged that he may have wanted to see how things would be with me, too. Then the offer for him to come out here for a few days during this now impromptu vacation was made. I told him what my plans were, including getting away to the coast for a couple of days, even if it was on my own. I was planning on going during the weekdays, for solitude, and for financial convenience. He told me that if he was to come out it would be Thursday-Sunday most likely. I asked him to let me know, because, again, my plans now revolved around him. Needless to say, he didn't come out, and I did not get to go to the coast, by myself or otherwise. Rather than speaking with his family as soon as possible in order to give me the consideration of an early answer so that I could plan this week I had off with no plans (thanks to him), he waited to tell me until it was too late for me to get a booking at the place I was interested in going by myself.
And this is why I'm aggravated. In so much of this situation he influenced my time and energy, and not for the best, and then made it sound like I'm just whiny because he's not here. He can stay in New York and shit in his pants for all I care. Friends don't treat each other like this. It's not only the waste of time that gets me, but the self righteous slap in the face, not acknowledging that he has done anything thoughtless and that I am just a bawling child that doesn't get to play with her toy.
If he can't understand this, as it has been explained to him several times, he never will, and I'm sick of spending time with men that make me feel stupid and shitty because it is convenient for them.
During my time off, I have been able to do a lot of things I normally don't get to do because of my hectic schedule. Today I went to the Seattle Art Museum. When there, in the Ancient Greek exhibit, I noticed a small replica of one of the sculptured women that make the columns that held up the biggest buildings in Greek antiquity. Beautiful women bore the weight of the world in those days. And today, in this time of single parent households, women working full time, as well as making a home and building a family, or fretting against bills, family ills, and infertility, it seems we still hold the weight of the world. This crap from men that can't pull their head out of their ass to acknowledge how blessed they are to have such amazing women in their lives is just another burden that we no longer need. At this point in my life, I want men in my life that don't need to be persuaded to acknowledge that I'm a good person, and that I'm a catch. I don't want men around me that point out things they feel are negative about me, like being a vegetarian, or a feminist, or that I stand up for myself when hurt or upset. I don't want someone that will only deal with things in their manner, not acknowledging that the way I deal is just as important to our equation. I want someone that will fight for me, even if it is fighting with me. Someone with balls and initiative, that can ask me out and pursue a future, yet who will respect me, my feminity, my strength, and my heart.
Mr. X, I wish you luck in your journey to find a woman. It might help if you truly listen to what they are saying first.
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