The other morning I managed to get into two different arguments with different men, talk to a third about a fourth, my ex, and found out that according to him, I'm no longer available. And all of this was before 9:30 am, and all of it was due to baggage, not mine, but theirs.
Once you hit a certain age, it is highly unlikely that you will be someone's first love. You may be their most true love, but not generally first. Oftentimes, because of this, they are no longer a free soul, ready for anything. They come to you carrying baggage, whether it be emotional leftovers, career oriented, actual children, or all three.
Though my fighter and I are done dating, and he knows there is no opportunity to pursue a commitment with me, we have been able to maintain a semblance of a friendship, at least for the time being. We argue even more as friends than we did when dating. I take the blame for that. I am no longer trying to build a future with him, so I am more free to speak my mind, and stand up for it. I care about him, still, even after all the maltreatment, but I no longer care about what he thinks of me. He and I have been going round and round for days, about his opponent that I had dated. And it's not how you would think, either. We've been having ridiculously stupid arguments about which of us is more informed on what his former opponent has been doing lately. The opponent recently signed with the UFC after years of hard work in getting accepted back in. He also is currently doing his first film and he is publishing his first book from selections of his inspirational exercise blog. When my fighter brought up the UFC, I mentioned the other recent successes that his opponent has achieved, and then my fighter basically lost his shit. He's so jealous of the opponent's current success that he can spit. My fighter had his heyday years ago. He was HUGE. Over 54 million people tuned in to watch one of his fights just because it was him. He became a fighting champion overnight, and is still one of the biggest names in fighting, especially to anyone that watched PRIDE or K1. He's done some movies, and has had much success in Sumo and wrestling as well. There is no doubt that he is successful. But I know him well enough to know that he misses being the most successful person in the room, though he generally is. The fact that his opponent, who won their match in under 20 seconds, is now at such an exciting time, while my fighter's career is somewhat winding down chaps his hide, and hearing about it from me, who just recently ended things with him, and also dated the opponent during the time of their fight and his loss, doesn't help. We argued about this for days. He is not willing to acknowledge that his opponent is doing anything more than the UFC, because in some way that threatens his own success.
During an earlier argument, I said something that struck a chord in him. He used what I said verbatim as material for a video on his youtube channel, is arguing my point it, taking our intimate discourse public, and is also changing my name, so I don't even get credit for what I said. While I'm very flattered to be a muse for my "Diego", the actor and political activist that has become a trusted mentor, an ally and conspirator, and one of the few men that still makes my heart skip a beat, having my thoughts be used and prostituted out by my fighter is another story completely. And there you have what we were arguing about before I even woke up the other morning. And all because he can't accept that another (magically delicious!) man is getting the success he has worked so hard for.
The second argument I had was with my Diego, of all people. The strange thing is, though, that the basis of our issue is the same thing that I have issues with the other two on. They have families in less than perfect situations. Diego and I got into it because I haven't heard much from him for months, and he got frustrated with me when I asked if I somehow upset him. Things have been crazy for him at home, and, along with work, his life is about "have to"s rather than "want to"s. I'm not jealous of his significant other. I don't envy their home life. They have their issues, and I hope they get them figured out by either separating at some point, or staying together and working through them. Where the baggage comes in is that there is a child because of this relationship (or in the case of the other two men that I had dealings with the other morning, 2 children with man #3, and five children for my ex). The child is not the baggage in these situations. Their current relationships are the baggage, although with Diego, I believe it is a compilation of his career, his politics, and his home life. He is an amazing man who I adore and am captivated by, but we can both be bullheaded, though we talk through things well. We got our issue figured out on my way in to work, simply by listening to what each other had to say and taking a moment to care.
With the other two, I feel for them. Both men are stuck in relationships that are basically hell, for lack of a better word, simply because they have children that they love, and are scared of what will happen to their relationships with them if they break up with the mothers. Both men mentioned getting home from work at the end of their day, closing themselves off, either in the bathroom or going for walks, for HOURS. They sleep separately from the woman they are supposed to cherish, and hold a lot of resentment for their situations. Baggage. In my dealings with all four of these men (NOTE: the third man I have never dated, though we flirted with the idea. He has mentioned being interested to see where we could go if he is ever able to get out of his situation at home. He is also friends with my ex, and works with him. It makes for a precarious friendship), their home situations influence my life, though I have no children of my own, and have freedom to see who I want, I can't talk or see the men I currently want to because their situations aren't as open as my own. I find myself rebelling often due to their responsibilities. There are really good aspects to these men, especially in friendship, but the consequences of their choices or "accidents" need not be influencing my life to the extent it is.
I guess I should open up about where my resentment is stemming from. My ex (yes, the one with five kids) and I have started spending time with each other. Though I can't consider anything long term with him at this point as his youngest child, the one that was conceived not long after we broke up, will always be an issue for me. Not the child herself, as it is not her fault she was born, but the circumstances of her birth. But, in the meantime, after my recent break up and the treatment I received from my fighter, it has been extremely comforting to deal with someone who can make me laugh when I am having a tough day, by simply smiling at me when I am venting, making me acknowledge that there is humor to my situations. He never abused me and he always made me feel worthwhile, we just had our issues, and though they are major, I would still rather deal with him and the love he legitimately had for me any day over dealing with a celebrity that made me feel like I wasn't worth dogshit.
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