Sweet Dreams Are Made Of These

During this time of transition for me, I've been looking at what options are out there. For the last two years I have been kicking myself for not having pursued my passion for acting further. In my late teens and early twenties I listened to all of the dogooders telling me that the chances of making a living by acting is close to nil, and that only a special few actually eke out a way of life. The naysayers that made me believe that there really wasn't anything all that special about me, at least not special enough that professionals would notice. That in a casting call, I would just blend in with all the rest of the cattle. I listened well, and still considered what my shape my future would take. Maybe I would still pursue it, and at least give it a shot. Then I put a down payment on a house with my sister, and like an unplanned pregnancy, my future took a shape that I never intended. I needed to make mortgage, so I needed a salaried job. I needed to buy a new car to get me to that salaried job. I needed insurance for that car. I needed to be stable and available for the stable job so that I could pay for all the things I needed in order to pay for the house that entailed all of the above. All of a sudden, rather than acting, I was managing businesses 40-60 hours a week, and I was content. I knew I had given up my dreams, but I had been told over and over that I would never attain them in the first place. In their place I had built a life I was proud of, working with youth, teaching kids how to be confident in front of others, how to love their own imperfections, and how to believe in themselves. I own a house, a good car, I have a couple of pets, and I don't have to eat Top Ramen for dinner every night. I took up oil painting in order to have an artistic outlet, and I have been Creative Director of the camp, leading all of the campfires just so I still get to be in front of people, sharing my love of theater.
And then, in my thirties, something happened. Just by being myself, I captured the attention of people that others vie to get notice from. I was selected out of the cattle, beautiful cattle at that. The fighter I dated for a year is not just any fighter. He is one of the biggest fighters in the history of MMA. He's been in several films, and is incredibly well known the world over. Over the years countless women have thrown themselves at him. All I had to do was be myself: confident, irreverent, funny, charming, and completely imperfect. That, and my green eyes, and it was an easy choice for him. Not to mention his opponent, the one that I have since become friends with, who not only has trained A-list celebrities, but is making a name for himself, not only with MMA and UFC, but with Hollywood as well.
And then there's my Diego. My good, close, dear friend, Diego is an extremely successful actor as well. He's been in the industry since I was a kid, and has costarred in many cult classics that it would be considered un-American to not have seen. I studied him when I was in college. We began our unorthodox friendship a few years ago, once again, just by me being me. I wrote him a congratulations on his facebook page for a life event that he had, and that one little missive started a conversation, which started a lengthy correspondence for years, which led to phone calls, skypes, and a long term dear friendship. All because of just enough confidence, and some pretty eyes that I was blessed enough to have gotten from my father.
Looking back this last year at what I have done with my life, now much more aware of my own draw and abilities, the only thing I regret is that I never pursued my own dreams. I let people talk me out of them. And now in my mid thirties, a point where most women are viewed to be too old in this industry, I finally want to see what I can do, even if it is just in the minor industry Seattle has, at least I can have some fun, and feel as though I am seeking something for myself. Not for my house, my car, or my pets, but for my own soul.
I have come to realize, though, during this time of unemployment, that it is much easier to pursue dreams while having time, and at least a modicum of an income. And once again, my dreams, and my long term reality are at ends. I will eventually, probably sooner rather than later, have to get another salaried full time position, and my own time for castings, auditions, and tapings will be gone.
I have to admit, dating the fighter is looking mighty good about now. He had spoken about when I would stop working, and having a partnership that isn't reliant on my income would be a huge blessing in this situation. But he comes part and parcel with an insanity that, though I understand it, can be brutal to those that love him. I've been thinking about him a lot the last few weeks. Even considering how horrible our break up was, I have come to realize that he was most likely in the midst of one of his episodes. It makes it incredibly difficult to not contact him, knowing that he has been hurting too, in ways that have nothing to do with me. But he hurt me as well, and though the lifestyle he has to offer has a lot of ease, excitement, and even prestige, it also comes with a dependency on him that I cannot do, as well as loneliness and even danger from his instability. And that is if he would even consider me again after all we went through.
I guess, in the end, it's best for me to fight for my own dreams. I'm already a warrior, I don't need a man to champion me.

She Ra vs. He Man - Who Has The Power?

Even as a young girl, there has been no end to my desire for a career where I could be in a position of influence, with the ability to help those younger than me develop skills that will help them for the rest of their professional lives. Over the years, I have moved up in the ranks at the camp I volunteer for, starting as a camper, and ending up as Creative Director. At my parents' restaurant, I moved through all of the positions, and eventually ended up as manager. When I completed college, I continued my career in restaurant/business management. More often than not, this was at the expense of my relationships. While initially men are attracted to a woman that is strong and has initiative, in the end many men don't want a woman that shows them up. They don't want a woman that will push them out of their comfort zone, purely by chasing her own ambitions. I have several ex boyfriends that mentioned to our friends, after the fact, that they broke things off because they felt emasculated. They preferred the comfort and ease of not seeking their own potential. Sadly, I have gotten used to this phenomenon. It is part of the reason I started dating my fighter. I was seeking someone with proven ambition, where I would always feel feminine, and there was no way I could ever emasculate him, no matter how well I did. But, as history shows, those relationships can blow up in my face, too.
For the last five years, I have been in management for a company that I have loved. Unfortunately, a couple of months ago I made an honest mistake on a technicality that I was unaware of, and it recently cost me my job. The company was in a difficult position, and I completely understood their actions. It was not an easy decision for them to make. My boss was in tears when she told me. I have been heartbroken this week, and have felt that much of my world is crashing around me. I won't be able to continue developing employees that I care about. Regular clientele that have become dear friends will be left wondering what happened. Today it hit me that I won't be seeing other mall employees again that have become family to me. After half a decade of stability and friendships, I am sincerely at a loss about what my world is now. Even while applying for jobs, I have no idea what I want my next step to be. The one thing I know is that I need time to figure everything out.
The one place where I am strangely in high demand right now is in my dating life. Several men have shown direct interest. Good men. A red flag here and there, but good men. And every single one of them has no qualms about the fact that I am currently unemployed, and that I am mess. Now that I am vulnerable and broken, they are like moths to a fire. I kind of want to kick them.
But I guess when it comes down to power, even without my strong position at this moment, I am still soft and feminine and tender, and that is more valuable than any influential position can offer.