The last few weeks have been rigorous. Between an insane work schedule, holidays, family expectations, and heartache, my immune system crashed, and I woke up this morning with shingles. I have had small outbreaks of shingles before, during times of stress and while recovering from other things, like pneumonia. This will be the second new year's eve that I will spend quarantined in my home because of the ailment. So now that I have no choice but to stay home and get rest, I finally have time to write the blog entry that's been flitting around in my head.
Since my last blog entry, I did speak with Tony. It turned out that it was just as he said: he had a lot to deal with. His ex girlfriend of eight years had been showing up and wreaking havoc. We continued to get to know each other, and I continued to fall for him, and then something happened. I completely lost it.
I swear, there are certain men that are put on this earth specifically to drive women crazy, and turn us into sniveling, wimpy psychopaths, willing to do anything for a few slight moments of conversation. Tony's style of communicating had started making me nuts from a few weeks ago, as it was always on his terms, and at his convenience. We had planned a date, which he confirmed from the night before, and which I had spent every extra minute I had had for days cleaning and preparing for it. I got three hours of sleep the night before the date because I would be seeing him directly after work and needed whatever time I had left to clean and prep myself. While at work that day, I received a text message from him, cancelling the date. He had a men's group meeting that he had forgotten about. While I understood this, and accepted it, it still REALLY sucked being on my end.
It turns out that I never got over that, though I tried. We talked a few times after, but then ended up having one blowout conversation that ended it all. Too be fair to myself, he said a few things that I could not put up with, nor should I. It came down to him stating that things were always going to come up - a sentiment that I had dealt with many times before from my fighter and my cop. A sentiment that I have come to understand as "you will never be important enough to me to come first, or even second, to whatever the wind blows at me." I have been there, done that, and don't need to deal with it again. Because I am important to me. He then also pointed out that "well, YOU'RE not a parent, but as a parent, I have come to understand..." And that's when I hung up on him.
Being a woman in my 30's, desperate to have children, having to consider different options in order to be with him because he has four kids and refuses to have more, it was the last thing in the world I needed to put up with from him. If every argument we have ends with him rubbing that in my face, well, I have better men I could be doing. Not that this prevented me from trying to call and text him several times to fix the emotional hang up that happened when I had been on 4 hours of sleep each night for weeks, had been working twelve hour days, and hadn't had a day off in God knows when, all of which he knew. Yet, somehow, I was trying to make up for being "wrong" for hanging up when he said something that offended and upset me to the core. And yet, I still forgave the fact that he broke up with me over text, and was too pussy to have a conversation with me in person or over the phone about it.
And now? Broken hearted, alone again, and still searching, what have I found? Myself. Or at least glimpses of it. There are still men that are interested in me, and I hang out with them when I want to, but I needed more than basing my enjoyment off of someone else. I needed to listen to show tunes. I needed to sing Madonna at the top of my lungs. I needed to remember what is worth fighting for - and what I would willingly give things up for in that fight. I needed to remember Absolutely Fabulous, and enjoy my best friends. I needed to write, draw, and paint. I needed to have sex, just outright sex with someone(s), and just enjoy it, if that's what took my fancy. I needed to stop feeling bad if I wasn't interested in someone that is interested in me. I needed to eat chocolate, drink wine, and go out with the guys.
And you know what all this has come to? I feel better about everything on the whole, because no matter what happens, I am me. I am not broken. My heart still beats. I'm stronger for it.
