Since my last entry, I took a slight break from dating, until I felt comfortable enough to deal with meeting strangers again. Obviously, it didn't take too long. Hope springs eternal, as does idiocy. At the time I took the break, I had been in conversations with a couple of men, and over a few weeks time, I felt comfortable getting to know each of them better.
The first, Melvin, an engineer, is a sweet man with a gentle heart. He is my same age, never been married, and would like to have a family. It sounds like everything I should want. Upon getting to know him, I found that he is incredibly sweet, but there were a few things that bothered me profoundly. It turns out that at this point in my life, I would prefer to be with someone a bit older than me, a realization I hadn't come to before now. He also unknowingly says things that come off as condescending, like asking me if I made it to work on my first day with my new job. With over 27 years of successful work experience, including 13 years in management, this simple question completely discredited my entire history. He also started making statements toward the inevitability of us having to move for him to continue working, and we were not even in an actual relationship yet, let alone considering moving in together. Within two weeks of dating, he invited me out to Florida, where he was going to spend time with his mom. He also started making plans for us for a year from now, as well as started texting me several times a day. It was just too much.
The saddest thing is, the one thing that probably got to me the most is that he has a childlike voice. When he cracks jokes, he spins that voice to be even more baby-like, thinking that it somehow makes it funnier. While the last thing I want to hear is a childlike voice from a man while we are intimate, the jokes, especially, disturbed me to the core.
The other man I started to date, Tony, is the complete opposite, of course. He is also a professional, but in a burgeoning market. He and his friend run one of the biggest cannabis distributors in Washington. Now that recreational use is legal in the state, it is a wise business venture. It also makes him somewhat of a glorified drug dealer, I guess, but with better clothes, and legitimate business plans. He has been married before, has four kids, and has been fixed. While he is not against getting married again, he never intends to have any more kids, though he is fine if I have kids on my own. And even that is doable, especially with gay male friends wanting a child as well. My own personal version of Modern Family.
Tony is a few years older than me, sincere, funny, and has a good heart and sense of responsibility. He is also generally unavailable, which I love. I wouldn't get off work to find seven messages questioning how my day was, and whether things were okay. I would receive a phone call and/or text message every few days as his schedule between work and his kids permit, and I felt blessed for each and every one. They definitely weren't in a baby voice. When we were intimate, he growled. It was the sexiest thing I had ever heard. His kisses made me melt. And he held me. Not after, but during. With strong arms, and a protective gentleness that was unlike anything I had ever experienced. Ever.
I fell like a rock from the acropolis. There was no saving me.
And like a rock from the acropolis, I have now been left just sitting, a shadow of what I could be, waiting for some tourist, some dude, to pick me up and carry me away to keep as a souvenir.
When I fell so hard for Tony, I stopped responding to Melvin. He finally wrote me, asking if he did something wrong. I felt horrible about that, as he really hadn't done anything wrong outside of put too much stock in something that I couldn't see through. I wrote him back and let him know that I was dealing with a lot (which I am), and that it wasn't fair to him, and that I was sorry. He was very sweet about the whole thing, asking if he could help.
Yesterday I received a message from Tony stating that he had been bad with communicating with me lately, and that he is dealing with a lot, and that he is sorry. Broken hearted, I told him to take the time he needed and contact me when/if he wanted to.
And then I didn't sleep. Not for hours. I really liked him, and receiving almost exactly the same blow off that I had given to Melvin just killed me. Now, granted, I could be completely mistaken, and dudes are dudes, and when they say shit, you can't read into it because they aren't as complicated as women. If they say they are dealing with something, it could mean just that. But that is not what my gut is telling me in this situation. My instincts tell me that he just isn't that into me. Even when I liked him so much that I tried to figure out the whole baby thing, that I still won't end up with the first man I have really felt a connection with in a long time. I'm the Melvin here, and it has shocked me to the core, and broken my heart. But not without humiliation. Because I stupidly sent him another text this morning outright asking, out of fairness, if he was at all interested still, as I'd rather know if I should move on from now. Because I am a dumb girl. And a stupid rock. A dumb stupid girl rock.
